Submitted by betrugen:

Everything seems to be a little weird for the moment. I never thought the art of my life that I have traced out behind me for all this while, was almost nothing but to discover someone who is me. It’s like having a hazy dream knowing I will never come to a conclusion if I decided to wait for something to happen but on the other hand knowing tomorrow is not guaranteed. It’s pretty heinous that I suddenly realized life is too short. Totally petrified but my fingers are so itching to press down each alphabetical button to just make sure my story isn’t about a loser.

Where is the mistake actually? Well, after all what matters for the moment is about me being myself and living my life as it comes. As all I can say, life is not at all complicated but sophisticated in a very delicate way. It’s not about dedicating your life to the so called delusional God that has been instilled in everyone but instead it’s like taking a ride with limited amount of fuel. So why do I even bother to be so obstinate about my dedication while life is too short to even care at all? After all it’s for nothing that we are working.

If you obey all the rules, you will miss out on all the fun that might change the way you think. In fact, I feel that to correctly tell the story, I would have to start all the way back to when I can remember being “different“. But hey, reminding and recalling myself of all the bullshits I have done for myself just make me feel disgusted and guilty, hmmm… it may sounded self-loathing, maybe at that time. I know this isn’t fair for those of you whom knowing me through all these emotional words I am holding onto, of not knowing my past. Trust me, its utterly preposterous.

There was never a moment that comes to mind to be sure I have made a right motion. Well, you never know what I have been up to if I didn’t tried to cross the extremely flowing river of my life, if only I was misleaded, it would have drift me to the sea. All I believe “a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor “. At least I am sure that I’m skilled for myself even if you can’t see it through your eyes for the moment, never ever again try to put your self-esteem down. What annoys me the worst, is the feelings that I have lost almost all the precious time during my teenage life. I know I am totally drenched out and started to lose the stability against the high current flow of water. I felt totally lost and worthless. All my bits and pieces was on my hope that I could cling on something very rigid and concrete.

Well, what defines us is how well we rise after falling. Friends are the only hope that I can ever see through my eyes, and yeah, my delusion God who was never there, of course, besides being a hope. We all do have friend, some a psychotic, some boisterous and some are merely retarded. Most of us are all in one or for some at least one of it. I’m just putting my range on possibilities. We all are psychotic in one or another way, it depends on how we look at it and progress beyond it. The beauty of a life is depends on the eye of the beholder. Always remember live as though you are dying, I’m sure you will make out something out of nothing, its merely because we are not afraid of dying, we are just afraid of not living.

Well, let’s talk about friend before returning to the past of this innocent boy. We all do dream, some of us dream in black and white, some with colourful screen image, some with sound, others prefer or no choice, it always comes with a mute mood and some just revered the pleasure world or maybe creepy nightmares. But there is something that most of us have never really focused on all this while or if you do that’s good for you. It’s the dream that was there but never come across your mind or maybe sometimes never been chiseled in your memory to even spill it out to others or be giving chills down your spine.

I honestly speaking, I don’t want my friends to be classified as such. It’s very transient and transparent, I personally found this thing very ridiculous because I never consider such as friend anymore, you know what I mean. They are basically more to be my enemy or just a nightmare that I can think of. I know, what are you pondering after all, this is not practical but hey, listen when you lose your faith in possibility of change, then you lose the fight. We have to change the way we live for a better future. For me friends are someone who are authentic, precious and worthwhile to think of.

Well, I do believe not everytime we got a chance to make friends with someone precious, but we can always try the best out of it. We ourselves are our hardest opponent. So why is the wait for, don’t dare to wait for something to happen, tomorrow isn’t a promise, we have to work for something to be happened. My sincere advise for this matter, when you find somebody good, keep them, keep them in your life, it’s definitely not going harm your life in anyway.

Growing up in cocktail mixture of outrageous, innocent, faithful and pious family seems to be all okay only if you never had a moment to remember things that happened in the past. But it’s life, you can’t just walk away without it. Fortunately enough, I had a chance to explore myself, live by myself, be embarrassed, teased and fashion wise, be utterly retarded. I cannot yell for attention because no one is around me for the next couple of kilometers. Even if I could, that won’t be necessary anymore. The time has all gone. Life is like staring at the sky in the night. Initially you would have found a very small number of glowing stars but eventually it becomes more and more. You only could think forward when you analyze your steps and the consequences. No one is to blame. It’s no use to blame though; everything is already out of control. The only way to bring back the prowling electron into its own orbit is by adding more protons into the nucleus.

I suppose my details that have crawled all over your frontal lobe could have come to conclusion, or at least imagination brought into the Wernicke point of your brain, i hope at least by my voice being reverberated and embodied together with raunchy filmography, the way I have lived before. Nothing neither intriguing nor shocking perhaps lame would suit the best. Well, not trying to be modest but instead just saying there are millions to trillions of ways to lead one’s life. Not everyone has everything, even if he does, material wise, it will eventually come under the circumstance of substantially nothing.

As the water level keeps on booming exponentially, there is no use for being nonchalant. It’s either me making a new fresh start, or being obnoxious, but then again it’s never late. Some people tell themselves that the past won’t have any consequence if they simply ignore it. Some struggle to give up hope for the attainable and others hope to make a new start by experiencing nasty surprises that intrude everything. These are all the options that i can see through my cornea, vividly. Enough is enough for being ridiculously blurred all this while for giving a self-made delusion of option D for none of the above.

Oh wow, so much of random-ness. My apology down to earth, I like being chaotic but don’t worry, as I start my job, I’m never gonna end it abruptly. The chapter of self-identification struts as it is. It all began when the character J kissed me on my cheek as he held tight on his words. It was very oblivious but deep down I could feel the gush of gastric juice in my stomach killing the butterfly every time i see him. I blushed and sort of curled up like a “touch me not“.

Why? The peak of ponderousness went down for a while, since those were weeks to get back home after a short term of 2 semesters that I have excelled with peace of mind. I do remember how happy I was repeating those stories and incidents to my fellow friends, the psychotics. It is obvious that I enjoyed the feeling of being kissed, but it never hit me very well how much I was into “MALE”. He was one year older than me, and the extra plus point of being a bear, oh yes, I love papabears. We used to be quite close at the time under certain circumstances where it went just a little rugged for no reason as I can think of.

Thanks to my wonderful S, the main character of my life for leading my life who let me seek the garden of heaven beyond the time. She was all I had back in Malaysia, since we stay close by so it was easy for us to do our outings together but unfortunately, was guarded by her father. She may look simple, but again never underestimate this lady, she is one of the people who has a lot more than her appearance. I have learned a lot of being with her. Her presence in my life is the major influence. I do have some friends that I didn’t mentioned here, but for most I have to describe this S as I learned to see friends as she valued.

It seems like forever, and yes she is one of the certainties that I appreciate the most. Out of my hand, of course I can’t say much, as it festers over a period of time and eventually faces the natural death. All I’m wishing is not to be alive when the moments as such appear abruptly or at least, I have built up my heart pecs even harder than ever to accept the reality. She may sound as tame as the Cinderella or Snow white tales you have heard. Yes, she is the tale but definitely not a fairy tale.

Sometimes one doesn’t know where to start and where does it all end, and even if it did what it is all about. There it goes by, where she holds my hand in public inside the monorail on the way heading back home after a tiring day but happy for being able to answer against the Malaysian medical students. One very simple personification that spluttered out of her mouth as she sounded  “M, its not wrong to be different, to feel different, to taste different as far as you feel secure under your skin”.

And that just boomed my neurons, man that strikes me the most. I was speechless. My frontal lobes just had rumbled up to make up some sort of random statement. Heart rate adding up. Many colourful landscapes flashing past. Crowds in the chamber adding up. Humidity hiking up. Sense of fear trickled down. Sense of hope appeared as this is the only thing i could ever notice through her chocolate colour iris of eyes. That little thing that I saw was truly overwhelming and endurable. My ego tried at its best but instead, Wernicke’s point came to the point of accepting, admitting and embracing all sorts of feeling, taste and differences that I was and I am now. I went closer to her. As closer as I can, where she do acknowledge i can’t say it out loud but to whispered at her “Yes, I am what you think of”.

3 months ago · 6 notes