Note: As I announced here before that I would be coming out to my mother, I did not have time to publish an update on how it went. Before sharing that experience of mine, I want to say thank you, to all of you, but especially to those who replied to post in such a beautiful way. I really appreciate your kind words, and I literally have no words to fully express how grateful I am. Thank you so much, for joining me in this journey and letting me share it with you. As again, this is a personal story I am sharing as it is related to coming out, and I hope you don’t mind that.
I must admit, as time got closer to me coming out to my mother, it felt harder to breathe. It was for sure not the first time I was coming out, but this was probably one of the most important ones to date, and regardless of its outcomes, it was to be a major milestone in my life.
After my mother called me to meet earlier than we planned, I got more and more nervous, and all my friends were feeling the same. I was prepared for the worst, even thought about packing some stuff, just in case. I was still getting messages from my friends who were worried and concerned, when I was with my mother and talking to her. She knew I wanted to tell her something, and she directly asked me.
I started talking with saying “It will answer a question you have been asking for a while, and to be honest, I have been thinking about how to say this to you, for quite a while, and I have never expected I’d be telling you this early”
She was looking at me, without saying a word, sometimes slightly nodding. Then I continued:
“Well, the thing is, I am gay”
She did not show any surprise or reaction, but I found myself rather surprised that I was that calm, and did not really have any trouble to speak; then I added:
“I have known this for a long time, since I was in 4th grade actually, but by the time it was not possible to understand or accept it, due to the homophobic society and obviously what you and my father was telling about it. All I knew back in time was that it was something to avoid being”
She just kept listening, and I took this chance to tell it all, from how I embraced it to what I felt about them:
“At first I thought it would go away, I was praying it away, but heck it did not work, I am glad it did not work, but back in time, I did not realize I was praying away my true self, just because of fear. As time moved on, I realized it was not temporary, and my feelings were getting more and more clear, yet neither yours nor society’s opinion had shown any progress. It wasn’t until then, just three and an half years ago to realize I was not happy, at all, and I couldn’t ignore my feelings anymore. They were not going anywhere. During the whole period, from the first realization to the first acceptance attempt, I have seen nothing helpful from you. I was all alone, and there wasn’t anyone who could help me. I thought about committing a suicide even, but it lasted just for a minute, because then I realized I have not tried anything yet and I was not going to give up, especially this soon, telling myself there’s gotta be more to do and live. Then I started to accept it, but I needed to embrace it, not just to accept it. I saw there was nothing wrong with me, and I realized my dreams of finding my soulmate and having a family was still possible, not just in this country, but no one could take my dreams away as long as I was alive. I cried a lot, at first, and I waited you and my father to sleep first, thus you would not see me crying, then I started telling my close friends. I got stronger by time, I have seen people supporting me. And now here I am, telling this to you, that I am gay.”
She kind of started crying, and told me that she had no idea what I had to go through and that she was unable to be a good parent, especially when I needed that the most. She told me she was ok with me being gay, but upset about what kind of a parent she was, and how I was feeling about her. I told her that although I appreciate her apology, my aim was to re-start our relationship with her, not to cry after the past.
It was rather interesting talk we had actually, as she told me she thought she was saving me from what society would think about me by behaving so, especially when talking about homosexuality, but sure she was not totally sure what it was herself either. She also asked if I was gay because they were not good parents, which I have asked a question that involved a personal detail from her childhood that can be summarized as her father not being nice to her, and her still being straight; as otherwise, she would have to be lesbian, with such logic, too. There were some other questions she has asked, including who knew I was gay and what I was planning for my future. After that, she told me that she was supporting me to the fullest and do her best to help me out, whenever I needed. She also asked some other questions, including if I had a boyfriend and etc., while saying that she did not know anything thus already sorry if she was to say something wrong. It was nice to see such attitude to be honest.
Our conversation turned into more of our relationship then me coming out to her, but it was nice to finally be completely honest to each other, and start a whole new chapter in our relationship.
For the whole time I was afraid about this, coming out to her, and I finally did tell her. I can totally say it gets better, and believe me I mean it, and every single time I come out, it happens to prove itself in a stronger way.
I also saw a great level of support from my friends, both near and abroad ones, and I feel truly blessed to have such people in my life.
Here is to a better for future for all of us, and remember, it does get better.
Thank you for taking your time and reading my story; it means a lot to me.