Submitted by inksandpapers
Once, waves and sunsets were recipes for happiness of a solitary mind being engulfed in an oblivion of forever—for me, at least. I used to walk the whole stretch of Roxas Boulevard where Manila Bay can be seen and experienced, towards the end of Luneta park where a figure of my motherland lies.
That’s how my mind got liberated from all the harrowing thoughts that haunted me ever since. I let my feet took the sail and I set off to a momentary bliss of freedom.
It had been part of my daily routine during my third year in college. Since I didn’t have any class until afternoon, I spent my whole morning walking around the park, and return to my dormitory with a couple of cheeseburgers or pizza for lunch. I spent half of my tuition fee for food just to be fulfilled for a moment. I drowned myself with worldly luxuries to divert my attention off the pain within me.
As for school, well I performed drastically. My grades were awful—not that I was the best in class. I was just an ordinary student. During those times, however, I cut classes more often, even bailed most of the time.
I was so lost that I once tried to cut myself, not purposely to end my life but to give myself a different sensation—a reminder that despite being in a deep dark and cold tunnel, I was still alive.
Oh, pain had never felt that good.
I couldn’t say it was mainly because of love, but it had a part. Oh, some big part it played. But the greater part was about my sexuality. It was both, actually. I fell in love with someone but, of course, when a lesbian falls for a straight girl… that’s a recipe for a disaster. That happened to me—twice. The second time was an open ended story which I just now ignore.
Point is, both experience was awful. But I learned a lot. I became stronger. Although I was torn into pieces, I managed to pick them up and put them back together, with a help from two very special people in my life.
One of them is the hero of this story.
We rarely see each other, we barely talk, and we live miles apart. But that one day, he decided to join me in my Saturday walk. It was special for me because he exerted an effort to clear his day and spend it with me instead.
So, I made it worthwhile.
Halfway through the walk, where the waves crash, we sat on the concrete barrier and stared at the ocean. He told me stories of his childhood, how that simple shore became their paradise. He had a fair share of stories just enough to warm the moment.
And then I dropped the bomb.
It came out barely as a whisper, but I was certain that he heard it. I didn’t look at him after I uttered those words as tears formed in my eyes. I was afraid I might break down even before I could say anything else.
It turned out that I need not say more.
“You can’t choose that, right?” He said as he wiped tears from his eyes. “That’s just how some people are.” His smile was sweet; his eyes, sincere.
“There’s no problem with that.”
At that moment, I was liberated for real. I was free from the burden that I kept to myself for so long.
I have always been attracted to girls ever since I could remember. I had a crush on our substitute teacher when I was in sixth grade. I always adored female celebrities. I even once said I fell in love with a female anime character (Weird, I know).
Since I live in an openly and a majorly Catholic country, it’s not easy to wave the flag out or, ride a unicorn on the streets. You always had to bring your closet with you because the society, despite its support for gay, as in male, comedians, the discrimination and bullying is greatly apparent.
But I finally realized that I don’t need their affirmation. Nobody needs an approval for their being gay. I don’t mind if the society continues to bash us, as long as I know my dad has my back.
I hope for the same with my mother, and everyone else around.
I hope that one day, we can all walk hand-in-hand with the person we truly love and no one would mind whether or not you both wear white dresses or tux.